Sometimes pizza crust makes me believe in God.

🎶Buttplugs and restraints and things that cause pain, these are a few of my favorite things….🎶

If while sick you have a sneezing fit and right in the middle you unintentionally rip one and he just grins and leans down to give you a little kiss on the head, he might be the one.

When young I had a friend whose mom sang “I’d die without shoes” for the chorus of PM Dawn’s ‘I’d die without you’. And really let’s all be honest and admit that for most women this was a much more accurate and relatable lyric.

Welp, I hurt my own feelings again.

Looking between the lines for words that do not exist is almost always a sure way to hurt one’s own feelings.

If you don’t intentionally time your cough with his orgasm, do you even really love him?

Is there anything better than hot buttery toast? I think not

"What the hell am I going to do with 184 birds?! I can't return these?!" -Me talking to my true love after the month of December

thank you for letting me be exactly who i am, and loving me for all of me

So I looked him in the eyes, which was really hard because they were floating in the bucket all lopsided.

be kind. kidding. be insufferable. like me.

Lazy me always skips simple tasks with the expectation that later me will take care of if, and anyway later me is now current me and current me hates lazy yesterday me. She’s such an asshole.

I don't mind getting socks for Christmas because it makes up for all the ones I lost in the laundry.

My “treat yourself” mindset hits a whole new level during the holidays

it’s okay to not be okay.. it doesn’t make you any less of a man or any less of a woman, it makes you fucking human

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

That tiny pocket in my jeans holds my dignity

Every year, without fail, there is a point at which I lose the ability to breathe through both nostrils simultaneously. Every year, without fail, I swear to never again take the simultaneous working nostrils for granted. Every year, I forget. *snort cries through 1 nostril