right in the feels

Stages of life: 1. Birth 2. You gotta be fucking kidding me 3. Death

My favorite part of Jeopardy was when Alex Trebek would ask the 3 nerds about their lives & then react to their responses with mild pity and disdain.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone. That’s it, that’s the tweet.

So the cats in the cradle, fine. Why do we have to bring the silver spoon and the man on the moon into the conversation?

what do you think rent prices are like in Roku City

Me: my love language is physical touch Hiring Manager: ok but again sir, this is an interview, please stop holding my hand

There are ZERO Waffle Houses in my area, so I don't even want to hear about your problems.

Watching the Lions-Vikings game and guess who shows up

Episodes 8 and 9 of ANDOR Season 2 are two of the greatest episodes of television of all time.

Want to come over? We can trauma dump, take a nap and then order a pizza and watch a movie.

Currently calculating what my salary would be if I got paid in .8 oz packets of fruit snacks.

Sometimes I catch myself laughing and having such a good time that I almost forget that life is fleeting and this is all meaningless.

MAGA = the party that protects pedophiles

This is the guy pushing Trump Bibles in Oklahoma schools.

[Thor carries Loki] Fury: What happened to him? Thor: Karaoke night turned into carry Loki night F: Don't do that. T: Loki Doki F: No T: OK

STUFF I'M GOOD AT: 1. Eating immense amounts of food 2. Sighing. 3. Eating immense amounts of food while sighing.

me: *tries to befriend another human being* another human being: oh, no thank you

WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.

The last person I went on a date with just got engaged. Meanwhile, I just ate an entire Extra Large Double Cheese Pizza in one sitting.