hed home, I was told that my 15 month old, Dylan, had diarreoah and had shat on the living room carpet. This was the same carpet that, secon

ds later, I broke a whole bottle of red wine over. I spent nearly an hour mopping it up and spreading salt over it, before taking over child

care duties. Dylan refused to eat solid food, and cried non-stop, pausing only to perform a massive puke all over himself and the highchair.

As a bit of light relief, my beloved opened the door of the dryer on to find enough dark fibre to keep a shunned sheep warm for the whole wi

nter. As we attempted to laugh about it all, she accidentally knocked over a glass which inevitably smashed. We succeeded in laughing for a

moment as I took Dylan upstairs to change his puke-encrusted pyjamas and put him in his gro-bag. Within one minute of being changed, Dylan p

uked again, over the bib, gro-bag and, yes, that long-soffering carpet. Of course we were getting used to it by then. Now, where were we?

...remembers where he was when he found out Luis Felipe Scolari had been sacked by Chelea.

Dylan STILL has diarreoah and, appropriately, I've had the words "Rage, rage, rage against the diarylite" going round my head for 2 days.

My wireless keyboard keeps writing 'askl' every time I write a letter 'a'. Which is often. I keep trying to think of words with no askls in.

Dylan having more costume changes than Madonna at the O2. Will the sixth last till bedtime?

Wearing two pairs of glasses so I can read and keep an eye (or two) on the football at the same time. ITV actually managed to show the goal.

Listening to music on Napster rather than the thoughts of Teddy, Big Sam and the dreaded Andy Townsend. Aerogramme sound good.

Still boggling that Newcastle may bring in Venables as caretaker if caretakers Hughton/Calderwood flop in taking over from caretaker Kinnear

That sense of elusive dread I had when logging on to Twitter has gone now that I've de-followed around a dozen or so Twitterers.

Dylan has deigned to walk for the first time, just short of his 16 months birthday.

To commemorate the 10th anniversary tomorrow of the death of one of my comedy heroes, Rik Mayall, I've put together a compilation of his comedy characters from the start of his career onwards. It's on my YouTube channel and can be found here: youtube.com/watch?v=C7Z_kG… #rikmayall

How to get Rebekah Brooks to admit what she knew: invite her to a secret location and then have Mazher Mahmood walk in, dressed as a sheikh.

Now imagining Rupert Murdoch being wheeled into NOTW offices and telling staff "You've all done very badly."