You know what’s more important than getting your kids into a top college? Raising kids who know how to behave when they actually get there.

Happy would be 12th birthday sweet baby boy. I’m so sorry you didn’t have the chance you deserved. I wanted so much for you. Domestic violence can be deadly. If you suspect something, say something. Being wrong is the best outcome. But you could be right.

Heard a rival dad was creating a “candy chute” for Halloween so now I have to build a catapult.

how long I try to do something before just giving up because fuck that shit

I accidentally dropped a twitter joke on facebook and twenty minutes later there was an exorcist at my door

A woman in the elevator just complimented me on my hair and then I complimented her on her shoes. My 5-year-old whispers, “Why are you saying nice things to each other?” The woman turns to her and says, “Because we’re women and it’s our job to hold each other up.” Damn straight.

Two 16 hour days. Covid is getting bad again at the hospital. I am exhausted and can’t sleep. I am getting stage 2 pressure ulcers on the bridge of my nose from my N95 again. My hands are dry, angry and hurt. I am fried. Burned out. Exhausted. Wear. A. Fucking. Mask. #CovidRN

My 12 year old son is sound asleep snoring... He just sat up and said in a very stoned surfer kind of voice: "Woah, chill Mom. The triceratops has it under control." Then flopped back and started snoring again. 😴👀🤣

Listen up, guys, in 2020 we let our clothes mold in the washer, but in 2021, we’re remembering to move them to the dryer...

I’ve started reading my children Roald Dahl’s Matilda, and there’s nothing like sharing one of the most pivotal stories of your formative years as your kids screech about how boring it is.

me: [reads tweet 47 times] ok looks good. [sends tweet] person: YOU HAVE A TYPO

2020, where even the word 'fuck' isn't strong enough.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Hunting dog for sale.

Every time I hug my kids I’m 100% aware I needed that hug more than they did.

Them: no one's going to like you with that attitude. Me: Fuck off.

Your daily reminder that the insulin I’ve used for 24 years, Humalog, has gone from $21 a vial to $275 a vial with no changes to the insulin or even the packaging. That’s a 1200% increase on a hormone every human requires to live, but my body can’t make. I die in 48 hours w/o it

gofund.me/2b4d2ef1