Imagine having a female President get impeached for having an abortion.

Life, for me, is basically just hospice. I don’t want to think about why I’m here and for the love of god please just keep me as comfortable as possible until I die.

I possess every human virtue except humility… which is honestly the hardest one if you got all the others.

More of an “elaborate” man myself.

NOT FAIR that other countries’ #WorldCup fans look cool and fun and inspiring when they drape themselves in flags and chant in unison, but when America does it we just look like we’re about to storm the Capitol.

Didn’t Tina Fey make this show up 15 years ago on an episode of 30 Rock? Yes. It was called Milf Island. I hope TLC is giving her a producer credit.

My new Christmas tradition is listening to deep house mixes of the Nooran Sisters apparently.

The highlight of my 2022 was accidentally creating a map of the United States with my Olive Garden leftovers before I boxed them up.

Remembering Bob Saget, who left us one year ago today. ❤️ This is a great reminder of why we all miss him so much. Hear a never-before broadcast two-hour conversation that Dan Pasternack & Paul Provenza had with Bob in 2019 on Comedy Greats: siriusxm.us/BobSaget-SXM

Why do I always think Wallace Shawn is dead? I look this up maybe 5 times a year. He’s always (thankfully!) alive, and I’m always (embarrassingly?) shocked. Does this happen to anyone else?

Doves and pigeons are actually the same species. Calling pigeons dirty and doves beautiful is actually racist. I will be releasing 30 pigeons at my wedding .

Can you mansplain things to another man? Has that been established yet? Cuz I feel like I know more things than other men, and I’d like to convey that in the most gentle and condescending way possible.

Watch out, World! I’m in my pretending to like The Velvet Underground era!

Bill Murray is well renowned for being able to fit in anywhere, and Kelis has been widely celebrated for having a milkshake that brings ALL the boys to the yard… so this celebrity odd couple isn’t so odd when you think about it.

“Suckin on my titties like you wanted me, calling me…”

Come on Barbie, let’s go party (watch Oppenheimer)

SUCH a missed opportunity that Vince Vaughn didn’t play the gay love interest in a 90’s Adam Sandler movie.