The couple that loves me came in tonight. We laughed, joked, talked about our lives. I bought them dessert. God, I fucking hate those guys.

The odds that the lemon on the side of your drink was washed are: zero. No bartender has ever done that.

@YankeeCharming @BayAreaWaitress and mid work. and post work.

There are at least four yelp reviews out there in which I am described as “sweaty, but nice”.

"water without ice" sounds like a pretty easy request, but you don't understand: I don't know my busser's name and I don't wanna learn it.

Thanks for adding "I don't tip on wine" to your receipt. Most people, I have to guess why they're assholes, but you did the work for me.

Every time I get one of those "find jesus" fliers in lieu of a tip, I use it to snort cocaine off my atheist husband's erect black penis.

You: salmon salad, no salmon. Me: … k. *later You: $22 salad? Me: well, it has salmon You: But I didn't have salmon! Me: ya u fucked up

Every time I inform a guest we don’t have black napkins, I’m secretly hoping they’ll storm out, just because, how hilarious would that be.

"the bartender makes a mean martini" I lied, as if it was possible for someone to make a "mean" version of "cold vodka in fancy glass”

Oh shit, I forgot to tweet for like several months. I'll have the manager take a couple of drinks off your tab.

@itsmeTommyV Dear Customer I don't mean to be a dick but that sound like #busboyproblems to me no hate

It's #EmployeeAppreciationDay, or as it's known in most restaurants,"shut the fuck up and get back on the floor"

To you, hot waitress who flirts with the cooks. You’re the only reason they still cook family meal. #EmployeeAppreciationDay #RestaurantHero

To you, only busser who’s been here more than 2 months. Sorry you have to train someone every day. #EmployeeAppreciationDay #RestaurantHero

To you, bartender who decided to quit but hasn’t told management. May I please have another shot? #EmployeeAppreciationDay #RestaurantHero

To you, manager who used to be a server. Sometimes you’re cool, when other managers aren’t around. #EmployeeAppreciationDay #RestaurantHero

Boss: What are these comps? Me: Birthdays. Boss: 9 birthdays? Me: Crazy, right? Boss: On 3 tables? Me: ...it was a club. #ImStealingDesserts

this video is a must watch for anyone planning on doing #CincoDeDrinko. Don't be an asshole! youtube.com/watch?v=muEOd_…

Went out for my bday. Staff sang to me, and now I realize why guests like it: it's funny to hear how bad waiters are at singing #ohgodmyears