If you didn't notice your water filter expired, it didn't.

I got sick from 6 degrees of kelvin bacon.

The joke's on this moth. He thinks he can screw in a lightbulb.

My todo list says "allegedly" a lot. Am I a bad person?

You know why footballs aren't circle shaped? If they were, the sport would be totally pointless.

I went to sleep with my head under my pillow and woke up with a bunch of dollars in my mouth.

If you ask a rhetorical question, I'll give you a rhetorical response.

"bitch please!" - complaint department

The "Alive" part of "Sexiest Man Alive" creeps me out a little.

Lobbyist : buy-partisan

Is it Black Friday yet? I wanna sleep on the street!

It's not about *what* I get out of a lecture. It's about *when*

Today, all the resolution people are gone. You can go to the gym.

I just "Nom" n ated some peanuts.

noticed: The most famous Morgan Is Free Man and the second most famous is Fair Child ...carry on...

it's 2025! Where's my tree museum?!

I could kill someone with my left pinky. Who has it?

Ventriloquists kiss & tell at once.

Arlo <my son>: I need help, I hurt my finger ME : (helping dislodge a Lego piece) Arlo : I did it! ME : you're right. Asking for help is a great way to do things.

WE GOTTA PLOP! scot.fun/damentals/we-g…