When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but they sent her a mixtape.

Don’t forget to remind your wife that she gets an extra hour to do more chores tomorrow

My 54 year old husband just responded “I’m just flexin’” and now I have to figure out how to set parental controls on our internet and cable.

remember when Elon Musk told a bunch of hospitals he was sending thousands of respirators to them at the beginning of the pandemic but he actually just sent a bunch of cpap machines which are for people with sleep apnea

How can I relate to a guy in a commercial buying his wife a car for Christmas when I'm at Kohl's scanning a $45 sweater hoping it's 65 cents?

Use your $8 to subscribe to my OnlyFans instead.

Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?

The new Twitter pricing is simple: it costs $7.99 a month to be verified and $44 billion to be vilified.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years* Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM* Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

high school was a confusing time for me…on many levels

only $8

I used to be the coolest kid with a desktop in the 90s, now I google how to setup an account on mastodon

TikTok thought me that I’m 4 videos away from joining a cult

I know I’ve been absent from Twitter. It’s not because I stopped loving you, it’s because I was busy doing this:

This is the weirdest karaoke place I've ever seen.