FREUD: Behold, my life's work. FREUD'S PARENTS: You sick fuck.

In case you’re looking for a New Years Anthem for Friday here’s one I wrote called “I Don’t Want a Kiss at Midnight, I Want to Drink a Beer”

At what age should I start learning a marketable skill

I often wonder if my brother looks at my most successful tweets and regrets becoming a doctor

I put my pants on just like anybody else. Regretfully.

TUMS, but for your emotions

Wondering if maybe it should be less expensive to not die

One of my main takeaways from The Sopranos is that Honeycomb is a good cereal that deserves to be in the rotation

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. That's my ledge.

If I could have one superpower it would be mind control. Not to control anyone else’s mind, just my own

Was very lucky to edit this set by Luke Mones because I was laughing the whole time and to be honest he did all the heavy lifting Watch the full thing on YouTube and go see Luke tell jokes in real life

When a commercial doesn’t feature a celebrity… how am I supposed to trust this product

How much Valentine’s Day candy can I buy before it’s obvious that I’m not only alone, but unwell

I'm not desperate for approval but can I have it

Sometimes people ask, "What if Jesus had been aborted?" That's pretty simple. Mary would have died. The medical technology just wasn't there.

Normalize giving me a little pat on the head and saying I’m doing a good job

Like everyone else lucky enough to know and work with Bill Tull, I can't even begin to say how much I loved him and how grateful I'll always be to him for countless reasons. Such a wonderful guy who truly did always deliver the impossible. Rest In Peace, Bill.

And now, my moment of zen: Bill Tull using Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to fuck the Wall Street bull

Imagine how much water we could save as a nation if I didn’t smoke weed before getting in the shower

Me, watching a horrible movie but I agree with it politically: