I don’t want anything from the apple event after I just quit working for them, so that’s my win today. No fomo 👏

I will no longer be watching instagram stories if y’all gone make me hear them. Das crazy.

Today life took me down a path that led to gluing hair onto hard boiled eggs for an hour. So there’s that lmao

This exacerbates my “how do men ride bikes” thought conundrum

And why did the electric scooter dude do the same thing 😂😂😂

Good morning to everyone except those people who believe they need direct sunlight on their crotch to be healthy

There’s nothing more I can say. Some people sun their booty when they’re having a bad day. This is 2022.

Yesterday I saw shorts for sale WITH A CROTCH ZIPPER TO OPEN FOR SUNNING YOUR BUM

I don’t like the best-team-in-the-nfl pressure 😩

Why do coffee shops resort to iced as a default 🙃

And I’m never asking for an iced drink to be remade, cmon

I parallel parked perfectly and nobody was around to see 😔

Plz enjoy this thread

I want to be drunk in a pool with a lil sunburn

PULLING OUT THE CHAINS TO MEASURE A SPOT WHERE SOME MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY IN A STRIPED SHIRT JUST RANDOMLY DECIDED UPON IS THE DUMBEST PART OF FOOTBALL

When I die measure my burial place the same way they measure first downs

Some guy puts a football on the ground and for some reason we bring the magical chains of precision out to measure it

One day you watched something with Jennifer Coolidge in it, and then you never saw anything ever again without her in it

The eagles lost and my mom asked me why there’s no pictures of her on my FB so my life has hit a new all time low.