when ur home alone in 6th grade and the doorbell rings

my chapstick going through the washer once a week

crying in the shower i’m not even sad i’m just sunburnt

pls watch this video of my nephew 😭😭

YO I’m mad why didn’t they teach my slow ass this

we got

He was so terrified when we brought him home 2 days ago, now he’s a member of the family❤️

Trick or treating in the Midwest sucked shit growing up because I could never be just spider man I was always spider man with a fucking jacket

i'm in my hometown for the holidays do y'all wanna hang out in my basement or your basement

So we lost an hour on international women’s day? Wow even our days aren’t equal

this international women’s day is dedicated to the lady who threads my eyebrows. really trust you to hedge those bushes up there. appreciate what we have together.

“I’ll have a Corona... hold the virus!” -a dad on vacation somewhere in Florida right now

the corona virus needs to be gone by may... i have concerts to attend

what’s your birthstone? mine is rock bottom

Proud father of a nurse and a Columbus State nursing student. So thankful to all nurses (and health professionals) for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic.