ethan

every player has gun

Did you catch the Etsy commercial that ran during the Super Bowl? Two @UTADPR alumni were a part of the creative writing and production behind the successful campaign!

ordering new types of teeth off the secret menu at the dentist

doing this to someone in a twerk contest is the same as catching the golden snitch in quidditch right

play around on my phone for a little while

[credits roll on a transformers movie]

me: “so basically that actually happens in the future”

pilgrim i’ve time traveled back in time to play the prank on: “we…we must pray for god’s mercy on our descendants”

me (trying not to laugh): “yeah it was pretty bad”

weiner fell off

every mascot is already edible but we as a society have chosen not to partake

I need to get rid of the part of my brain that opens this app

didn’t watch elvis so just scrolling through this account really fast

rules to survive new york:

- never stop moving. if you’re stationary you’re an easier target
- move faster
- FASTER
- do not look at anyone
- do not look at anything
- close your eyes
- put your hands over your ears and go “LA LA LA LA” really loud
- wear closed toe shoes

imagine a player’s animated knee getting bent the wrong way and then getting carted off by the army men

taking out a loan

they should drain loch ness and just start shooting

boss: my back molar hirts so much:/
11:50am

me: im praying for you🫶
11:55am

boss: thanks
11:56am

boss: cant sleep, miss you so bad🧎‍♂️
2:00am

me: (rolling over, squinting at my phone and smiling) just two more days and itll be monday:)
2:01am

been thinking about going to vegas and worshipping the giant eyeball for the rest of my life

just hanging out and dutifully serving the giant eyeball with fervent obedience seems like a chill time

terrified i am going to be on this show after my grocery bag broke in the middle of williamsburg a few months ago