I feel like I should wait for all the regular crises to pass before I begin my midlife crisis

When people say 'live life to the full' they're usually telling you to go on adventures, to say yes to opportunities and to embrace new experiences. But I do think that living life to the full can also mean watching the darts with a cup of tea while the cat sits on your lap.

I'm working on being less openly unreasonable and more secretly unreasonable so it can be revealed in a more dramatic fashion

guy about to invent blue cheese dressing: what if you could pour liquid mold on a salad

I don't have an attic loft where I can sit in the bay window eating apples and crying over novels and that's why I'm suffering

I have temporary insanity but like, permanently.

If I fell into a ditch, I’d probably stay there for a while.

I’ve planned a road trip by myself staying on a remote farm. Sounds like every horror movie ever. I have mild panic.

i still think people are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk

Hug me too long and I’ll cry. keep it to 3 seconds and I’m good.

oh you know just at work obsessing over how aggressively i said good morning to the lady i passed in the hallway earlier.

no i didn't do "research" to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

Anyone got any WD-40, I can't get this emotional attachment to budge.

this is how your email finds me,

May your tolerance of bullshit be strong today.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

The best way to reach me is via snacks left at my door.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Slips into something more complicated.