Me: babe i’m lost Me: in tunnels under lawn Wife: Wearing your helmet babe? Me: yep metal one u got 4 me :) Wife: *audio message of metal detector beep* Think I found youu ;) Me: 👷‍♂️👍 Me: i cant hear u digging babe Wife: It was a big coin😳 Wife: *blurry photo of hub cap*

Carl: where are you meeting the source is it the parking lot? Bob Woodward: omg no Deepthroat: likely you shall both be killed. I will be fine Their boss: pair of no good lousy bums. You are both doing me a detriment Bob: parking lot is where I go to jack it

i swear they say this about every piece of shit that lands here

Trainee counsellors be like I have congruence due at 12

Useless fucking country. I should be able to buy a rotisserie chicken at the gym

John Cage: 10 Rules For Students And Teachers

🎵are you reeling in the years 🎵

me being forced into my assigned amazon™️ euthanasia pod in year 2031

If I had been elvis I would have spoken to the colonel about the line “hunka hunka burning love” and pleaded with him. Please don’t make me sing that. Not again. Then he would beat me with an instrument

Frog.

is it cool if i misinterpret this through a distorted lens of anxiety

Thistle ayr game load of shite. Every five minutes a player is lying on the deck like scarlett johansson at the start of Lost in Translation

wishing for a tipp exx micro pen

haters can say what they wamt but you can always count on me to like your Instagram story

me directing the extras in a bruno mars video : ok so you are all like brunos friends who are gathered around him one guy: like for his birthday? me: yes great idea act like it’s his birthday bruno: it’s not my birthday

sugar gliders…….. what a My Bloody Valentine named ass marsupial

Calling in sick with the boll weevil

Everyone wanna wear sardine earrings no one wanna ingest sardine bones

working on a “swimmers are called chlorine people” tweet

There should be a word for when you are staff and you gossip loudly because there’s a customer you want to be friends with and talk to, and then a similar word for when you think you might be that customer