Me: Finally, time to go to sleep. Boy am I tired. Ice machine: Hey wanna hear my impression of someone breaking into your house

I assume it will be done by the time they think I start working in the morning.

I’ve been a doctor (PhD) for eight years a and if there’s one thing I can say with absolutely certainty, it would be: “don’t get a PhD unless you’re independently wealthy and/or don’t need a related job afterwards.”

I may be eternally frustrated with how bad public transit has become but the express bus is a fucking treasure you couldn’t rip from my cold dead hands

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Everyone is dying to read this. Those editors must be deranged