I’m not saying I’ve been a little absent from my Twitter account, but it’s Fall and Spirit Halloween is moving into this account.

You look like the last math class you took was called “Math”

One day you’re young and buying weird shit at Hot Topic and then 30 years later you’re old and buying weird shit at The Container Store.

i think i am okay but then something bad happens and it’s like wow i will never stop being 13 years old and lonely

I wish I could say it was the first time one of my arts and crafts projects spontaneously burst into flames.

"Wake up, you old bitch" - the bladder

Sometimes memories leak out of you eye and down your cheek.

All Canadians are actually named Gord. Including the women.

I wonder how many calories I can burn petting my cat?

Damnit another test of the emergency alert system with no fucking aliens

It's not procrastinating when you're accomplishing side quests

i do not care how bad life gets i'm not watching love island

You should follow me simply for the inevitable and spectacular crash out.

her email ended with "warm regards" but the "go fuck yourself" was implied.

Had some plain yogurt with protein powder in it for breakfast, and not only is it high in protein and very filling, it's also disgusting

Claim her like she was never meant to be anyone's but yours

Speak in obscure song lyrics and chill?

Here's my offer: I lean on a fence and watch your cows. You pay me what you think it's worth.

shout out to senior citizens, they didn't do anything, you just need to shout if you want to them to hear you.