I love women because they are either thinking about skincare or death

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

I don’t think I make enough money for my day drinking to be considered classy.

I am a morning person until the dog starts barking at 5:34 am or my alarm goes off at 6:15 am or someone attempts to make small talk before 9 am or I have a meeting before 11 am

I have had that ‘I’m forgetting something’ feeling for two years.

It's been 'just another Manic Monday' for the past 287 years

My girls were being complete wild raccoons and some dude said enjoy every moment it goes by fast so I told them to attack.

Day 10,659 of my husband acting shocked and surprised when I remind him he needs to pick up after himself

Given the state of things *motions wildly at everything,* we are definitely not eating nearly enough potatoes

I'm gonna need y'all to stop making up new slang words I am exhausted

them: let’s talk about each other’s pet peeves to better our relationship

me: i don’t care what bothers you

do y’all ever look at your parents and wonder how you made it out alive

Does anyone else writes hahahahaha only to delete the last six hahahas cuz it’s too many but than adds back a ha cause otherwise not enough hahas

Once all social media gets banned I'm gonna start peddling my jokes door to door

as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner

My inspirational quote is I hate everyone.

Sometimes you gotta fill the bathtub with rice and sit in it to fix yourself.

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am

My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”