Me, to son (10): This winter, can you be on the lip balm committee, so we don’t forget about it? Son: The lip balm committee is hard to be on because it’s so underfunded. But I’ll do what I can.

The best part of watching #TheBookOfBobaFett is obviously singing loud & ridiculous harmonies to the outro song

Nurse: How are you? Me: Thank you Nurse: The doctor will be welcome - I mean - right with you

“You can still have a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday” - my kid (10)

Medical research is important! So glad to participate in that today. For massage therapy students. (OK… I got a massage)

PSA: Don’t mistake rice vinegar for coffee/tea syrup 😩

You don’t have to make video game sounds while vacuuming, but I recommend it

Dear FBI: yes, I did accidentally leave the gym with their towel today. But I will return it tomorrow. Please do not take me in.

Always fun playing the “which app did I accidentally delete?” game

I want to be invited to #Cocomelon themed kid’s birthday party so I can dress up like a chameleon and then act like I didn’t understand the assignment

Fun fact: if you tell a toddler the "music truck" is coming, it's still exciting and yet you don't have to kill yourself trying to get out of the house in time to catch the ice cream truck. #ParentingIsHard

Son (10) after En Vogue song ends: “Welp, consider my mind freed.”

Could we please agree to call them "plus" and "minus" screwdrivers? It’s hard to remember which one Phillip invented.

I walked FACE-FIRST INTO A SPIDERWEB. IN THE DARK. Did I die? Maybe. If so, this feels a lot like regular life, which is both reassuring & disappointing. 🕸 #leaveamessage #illcallyouback

Me: If you get married one day, try to find someone who you can laugh with. Things like beauty will start to fade away. Son (8): Yeah! Like yours!

I may have the healthiest clothes ever (realized after doing laundry that I’d left a vitamin in my pants pocket)

“I’m just eating a dream pizza.” - sleepy son, whom I’m trying to wake for school

I remember putting milk in the cart. But I didn’t have any when I got home, nor was I charged for it. …I must have put it into *somebody else’s* cart. 🛒😬 #oops

I prefer to begin telling fairytales as my son did when he was four: “One possum time…” #kids #possumtime #marsupials #alternativestorytelling

My main goal in life is to be a panelist on #Taskmaster