I came back because your opinions matter to me. Or I’m bored. I can’t remember which one is correct

*Me, losing an argument... Oops. My titty popped out! *Wins.

I’m out of beer. 2020 sucks. #notmyyear

I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.

I'm fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"

I keep incredibly busy for someone that doesn't do anything.

My Twitter account has been linked to the rise of microwave popcorn sales in the last 4 years

A woman is like a great bottle of wine. Empty and in the trash. Wait, no. She's like a flower. Pretty to look at and soon wilted and dead. ?

I'm not even remotely religious but some of you fuckers need Jesus and some Thorazine.

Nobody important is reading your Tweets.

Of course you are not the reason I drink so much, I just make bad choices. Didn't you choose me? You're right, it's your fault.

I came for the laughs..... .......I stay for the steady flow of rejection and disappointment.

I just made chips and cheese deluxe burritos if you were wondering how good this weed is......

Ppsssstttt.....Hey buddy, you got any of them please Jesus don't let me kill people when I want a fucking cigarette pills?