If your password is Hamburger10, that means that you are pure of heart and your life is a constant stream of simple joys.

Drinking one sip of beer and texting all of my buddies from high school “what happened to us…” Then drinking another sip and texting my wife “whaoup”

Lifting my nightgown to achieve full range of motion on my sneaky tiptoe to the fridge for a midnight snack

They call me Rumpelstiltskin the way I *trying to remember what Rumpelstiltskin did* the way I uhhhh

(Gesturing to my collection of rotting 18th century porcelain dolls) it’s hard to say who saved who

big dirt hole is bae, mushroom growing on rotten log is relationship goals, and so on and so forth… guy at the grocery store i trapped into a corner with my cart: [sweating nervously] h-hey let me go! im not afraid to punch a girl me: then do it. be a man

Men - It is never too early to wish all fo the women in your life a happy Valentines day . Ladys- Im sending you pleasure waves at this time

Gonna go hang out at best buy for a couple hours

Yo this best buy has a sick vacuum cleaner section

Just got home from best buy what up

Have FOMO from the Stanford prison experiment

The doctors laughed at me

I have a crab under my command

Ancient pdfs free download