*getting down on one knee and pulling out a ring* *putting it away and standing back up* Whoops, sorry, new Tourette’s tic

W Jason Momoa

“You need an id to buy alcohol” is a red flag signifying a dimwit. What’s best guess on what % of alcohol consumed requires ID? I haven’t been carded past 27, I’d guess. Probably about 50/50 between ages 21 and 27.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Zero chance. As dysfunctional as Democrats can be, this level of unqualified currently doesn’t get a foot hold in the party.

The only man grateful to a woman for leaving the toilet seat down.

I went to Holy Cross High School. In 10th grade we got to vote on the new mascot name. The Holy Cross Dressers won overwhelmingly, but the administration refused to listen to the people (15 year ago old children) and now they’re called the Crusaders. Democracy dies in darkness.

sf is an extremely walkable city and i will die on this hill

i will never forgive the internet for making me angry at the phrase "accept cookies"

[after showing Homer “The Odyssey”] me: so, what’d you think? homer: did you enslave their souls to enlarge those men and trap them within the screen for our amusement? me: *sigh* homer. I can’t keep explai—you know what sure, yes. I took their souls.

Dogs would lose their shit if knew they had bones inside of them

(whispering) I have a gift card to Dave and busters, don’t even know what’s on it. could be a ton. (Juror closest to me) huh? (leaning closer, still whispering) you, me, busters. my treat (no eye contact) I’m fine (pausing) you don’t actually think my car killed him do you

Americans sometimes use French words like "hors d'oeuvres." And that's just for starters.

“You need an ID to purchase alcohol” betrays room temperature IQ. On top of it being apples to oranges with voting, it’s not true. I’ve bought more alcohol without ID than with.

guy who's only seen Grease watching the end of Thelma and Louise: ohhhh I know where this is going...

to be fair i think beaker has been trying

If you ever go for a job interview at a library, don't answer any of the questions. They're trying to trick you into talking in the library.

He should resign immediately. That he's asking voters to re-elect him shows a complete absence of conscience.

W-L should not be a pitching stat unless a pitcher gives up 3+ earned runs