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Sorry I’m late. It’s just because of who I am as a person

lady on the phone told me 2015 was 10 years ago and now my whole day is ruined

Woke up fat again.

Still not obsessed with me? Rude.

She comes with signs of damage and a warning against trespassing.

Die with memories, not dreams.

I’m not sure what it is, but there has to be something more than this

Who the fuck took my charger?? A game the whole family can play

Dating advice: no

Not only did Rose let Jack die, but she stole that guys fucking whistle!

Is “Hot Girl Summer” still a thing? Cause I feel like “Nap Girl Summer” is definitely more my vibe

It should be legal to run over someone with your car if you see them pushing a baby stroller with their dog in it.

Sorry I told your toddler to calm her tits in the Cheesecake Factory

When someone tells me to "follow your deams" I look for the nearest place I can nap, cause that's where the dreams live

First date idea…you buy me dinner and then I put out.

I talk a lotta shit for someone who just said good golly

i lied there’s no sex but there is a spider situation i need you to take care of

Accidentally locked myself out of my phone for the last 30 minutes, so don’t tell me I don’t know how to party

I feel like owning a taser would solve a lot of my problems