If this tweet gets 1000 likes, my mom will accept that I DO have big dick energy.

Her: Wait so you don’t love anime? Me: No, you just assumed that cuz I have skinny arms.

Comedians hate magicians because magic is somehow even less necessary than comedy while also somehow being more beloved.

A game show where you have guess dog breeds, and if you’re wrong, you have to marry the dog.

One woman’s trash is my free 2022 Christmas Tree come uuuup! 🤑

When I take my shirt off in public, nobody’s impressed, but someone is always surprised that I have chest hair.

A studio apartment, but there’s a 24/7 attendant in the bathroom. #lifehack #luxury

My comedy is less tongue in cheek and more cheek around tongue

Indian millennials: Ok, let's arrange a marriage between our dogs.

How I feel driving any roundabout 😎

I haven’t watched Judge Steve Harvey but I can present evidence that he has bad judgement

I already have my revenge body. It’s just not THAT vengeful.

I’m certain I deserve to paid more after my boss’s boss described the Q2 product updates as “gnarly”

When I’m old, I’m gonna shoplift. A lot.

Tonight at 8pm in The Lab Veronica Kwiatkowski & practice boy Present Thirst Trap Comedy with Morgan Jay Irene Tu @simeygibson Laura Peek Only 23 tickets left here: improv.com/hollywood/even… #hollywoodimprov #comedy

You don’t feel old until the bartender asks for an ID, you accidentally show them a library card, and then they serve you anyway.

If you have to follow up a statement with “That’s just my opinion…” it’s probably something you could have kept to yourself.

People that “pray for you” think they’re better than people who will “send good vibes,” but they’re not.

Before January 6th there was the #RRRMovie fort siege 🐅🐅🐅🛻 on Dishoom Dishoom with milan and Mike Falzone 🙀 #telugu #rrr #bollywood #riffs #jokes #dishoomdishoom #comedy #action #show #losangeles #lol #funny

PORTLAND THURSDAY shorturl.at/boQTX