Do you ever think back on your middle school classmates and think, "How did I end up this bitter and miserable compared to all those doofusses?"

Isn't it crazy to imagine the vast majority of women who ever lived didn't have access to a magic wand?

There was a vendor at the stadium I went to as a kid who had a wonderful rhythmic call, "Coke Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Spriiiiite!" And the the world invented Surge, and he just squeezed in Sprite, and went "Suurge!" Ill never forgive the world for Surge.

I dont know who needs to hear this, but get an age appropriate delusions of grandeur

When I turned 18, I went to the casino. When I turned 21, I went to the bar. Today, I turn 35, and I'd like to announce my candidacy for U.S. President.

I dont know who needs to hear this, but Succession wasn't that good. It's just manufactured suspense, without grounded stakes or follow through on consequences. And the exact same character flaws get in the way each and every time.

Instagram: Where being pretty means you are qualified to teach economic theory

They say a dog takes on the personality of its owner. I've had my dog for 9 months, and it's been fascinating to watch her turn into a functioning alcoholic

Im a trans rights advocate. And Ive been trying to come up with a slogan or a line to use that pivots people off of concerning themselves with others genitals, and on to our humanity. And I think I found it. "We all shit out the same hole." #TransRights #Trans

Striking writers, are we supposed to go see Barbie or not?

Its 'make a dad joke about it' hot today

Podcast idea: Benson and Stabler chat with Molder and Scully, and they just keep trying to one-up the other pair with their craziest investigations. Lots of "Oh, you forgot to tell them about the anal probe!" from both sides. Called "What's Up There?" #SVU #XFiles

I want to open an additional addiction services center to compete with Rosecrans and name it "And Guildenstern."

"You aren't non-binary. You're just a vain man!" he screamed to himself in the mirror

Anyone else feel like parallel universes exist and we live in a thrift store knock of version of reality?

At one point I thought I wanted to be Fred Rogers but it turn out I just want to be Al Borland.

This angle is even more disrespectful, Edwards is a menace to society 😭

Jewel doesn't get enough credit for the line. "I shouldn't think anymore tonight." #jewel #music

Jamal Murray threw a heat pack on the court during play and faced no consequences for doing so #NBAPlayoffs

Jamal Murray throwing a heat pack onto the floor during live play could get him suspended for Game 3, and it would be merited. Unbelievably unprofessional and worse: dangerous.