When you try and negotiate with your fiancé for the last piece of specialty Italian meat in the fridge by offering sexual favors you may be guilty of #prostisciutto

Sat in the very front of the first car of the metro today and can honestly say this is as close to riding a roller coaster as I will ever get in my lifetime

I refuse to pay the #Uber puke clean up fee if my vomiting is due to the driver’s gross use of the brake pedal.

😂

This is what happens when the Donald Trump impeachment inquiry gains a Christmas twist 🎶 bbc.in/2tMdXKz

Students: "I don't get why I need to take classes in political science, history, biology, social justice, and poetry when I'm a (insert discipline) major!" Me: (gestures wildly at the world right now)

Boy you’d think a country that can equip every cop like a soldier could equip every doctor like a doctor

Let me be clear. This is revolting. The Bible is not a prop. A church is not a photo op. Religion is not a political tool. God is not your plaything.

I have to confess that I did not have "that 75 year old guy faked his own bleeding head trauma" on my Donald Trump Batshittery Bingo card

Told ya'll he exaggerates about the size of things.

-opens jira -moves COVID-19 from In Progress to In Review

due to personal reasons i will be putting my head in my hands and staring at my desk for the next 25 minutes

Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies bit.ly/2CFFK44

RT if you opened your Fly Delta app this week just to feel something.

I'm really getting tired of telling my kids, "You're living through an important historical moment!"

I never know what to wear the day after an attempted coup.

Alfredo Rivera is the greatest storyteller of our time.

Hey Metro Forward, if you guys could fix the marquee that tells you when trains are arriving/departing in the entrance to Van Dorn station, that'd be tops