6 meetings on a Monday has to be some kind of OSHA violation

R.E.M. thought 1987 was the end of the world. I’d love to see their faces in 2025.

I flirted with disaster and now I'm married.

We all have that one kid who represents 90% of the laundry

Don't EVER bring me a bagel that's not heavy on the cream cheese. THATS THE WHOLE POINT OF A BAGEL. Otherwise it's just a shitty donut.

My son didn't believe I'd throw a cup of cold water at him if he took too long in the shower He got out in 2 mins, just incase though

What if canned goods could have vertigo -inventor of the Lazy Susan

My toxic trait is thinking everything will be better next year.

My wife is leaving me because every time I try to get rid of the raccoons that are living under our deck I end up losing my entire weeks paycheck to them in poker.

Never say "Don't make this weird" to a highly competitive person.

I’m really grateful to have a kid who tells me all about his school day when he gets home. Otherwise I’d never know that he’s learning nothing and I don’t know.

7yo: hug me, hug me, POS me: excuse me, what 7yo: that's short for please me: 7yo: me: you mean PLS 7yo: oh yeah, hug me, PLS

Since all these solicitors keep ignoring my "no soliciting" sign, I'm going to start answering my door and say nothing but "I am Groot" when they try talking to me.

No one: No one: My kid: What’s a carpetbagger? Do they steal carpets?

I bet the real reason no one leaves Hotel California is because it’s super cozy and they don’t have to clean.

Can’t stop won’t stop (sneezing)

I checked the Bible to see what it had to say about Labubus, and it’s not good you guys.

Me: We really need to be more mindful about what we buy and start saving money. Also me: *goes to Costco for two items and comes home with two pallets of products*

Buys new pillow to see if it helps with a neck issue, instead wakes up with a headache and a different neck issue

No one is more hard of hearing than the wife of a mumbler.