Math question: If one child is watching kids YouTube, one child is reading aloud, and another child is watching tv all in the same room. How long until I curl up into a ball from overstimulation?

What I say to my 5 yo daughter: You’re being disrespectful. Rethink your words. What I WANT to say to my 5 yo daughter: YO YOU’RE ON SOME SHIT I DUNNO WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO BUT I WILL SWING YOU BY YOUR HAIR GO TO YOUR ROOM

Me: *messes up the kids’ names* 5: why do you keep doing that mommy? Is it cause you’re getting old?

You'd think Loki is a Slytherin, but he's actually a Ravenclaw Me, f̶l̶i̶r̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ dying alone

Pretty fucked up that just because of someone’s age they’re automatically considered a grown up

We should talk about the person who came up with frying cheese with the same regards as Einstein and Newton

Me: *he’s been playing Minecraft for 5 years - surely he’s run out of things to say by now...* 11 year old: Daddy, did you know Minecraft has had a new update and have added goats and copper and lightning rods and- Me:

Sorry I didn’t stay to chat to you over the hedge but I was too busy pretending my kid needed to use bathroom so that I wouldn’t have to stay to chat to you over the hedge

I think I’ll go outside and read a book* *scroll TikTok but near trees

"Aren't you afraid your boys will turn gay if they wear nail polish?" Them turning gay doesn't worry me but them turning out like you does

I’m the Leslie Knope of waffles except 98.7% of my DNA is literally waffle.

why go to therapy when I can work through my trauma by constantly having to explain it to men who want to date me

I just cleaned out my fridge. How many kinds of cheese is normal to have please say twenty.

Took my daughter to Target to buy a birthday gift and she ended up with $150 of extra stuff in the cart. Her transition to a woman is now complete.

8, to 6: shut your stupid mouth! me: hey! Use your manners. 8: please shut your stupid mouth. me:

My kid, breaking a rule: I DIDN'T KNOOOOOOWWWWW. My kid, when their sibling is breaking a rule: This rule, established in 2016, when broken, carries a punishment of no dessert and no screen time for the rest of the day.

News: Parents arrested on neglect charges for their 9 children. Most people: Omg how horrible! Parents: Omg why would you have 9 kids?!?