I think there are two different kinds of people:

-people who immediately refill the ice cube tray

-people who just leave it empty on the counter like the way a predator leaves a skeleton

I believe in manifesting but only when I wear a white shirt and someone else I guess immediately manifests a coffee stain on it

I’m ok with two friend groups meeting as long as everyone is given pamphlets with each other’s inside jokes for reference

I wrote on social media how great the breeze through my open window feels and accidentally discovered how country songs are made

I like to go out to a restaurant if I feel like a burger that’s about 20% better than McDonald’s at 200% the price

Sometimes I wish I could just unplug from society for a year and recharge but then I remember I did that in 2020 and it almost turned me into an alcoholic

The weather is so good today it makes me feel the opposite of depression (can’t remember that word…it got deleted from my vocabulary 3 months ago)

Looking up remedies for insomnia feels like I’m in a fantasy game
“You must seek the root of valerian and a single glycinate of magnesium. Do you accept this quest?”

Amazed people wear different outfits to the gym

I wear the same shirt I caught out of a t-shirt cannon in 2011 until it smells

I think a healthy and normal relationship progresses in this order:

1: Dating
2: Marriage
3: Kids
4: 40th year anniversary
5: Sharing a toothbrush

The embarrassment of having a weekly pill organizer is balanced out by the satisfying fun of refilling it

Me on first day of high school: Do you like Metallica?

Kid next to me: Yes

Me: Do you like super smash brothers?

Kid: Yes

Me: Congratulations you’re going to be in my wedding in 15 years

Season two of The Jinx:

“Before this interview can you drink a gallon of water”

Ban tiktok? But how will I find out what skin care routine everyone has been asking a random person about?

My niece doesn’t have a prom date and is fine with it and I’m so jealous because a week before my prom I found out the goth girl didn’t have a date so I pretended to like the devil

I bet a lot of world wars could’ve been prevented if there was texting back then. Imagine if they were able to throw in a little lol or emoji to ease the tension

This is why we can’t have nice things

I think the reason sending an email is so hard for me is because I know eventually they might email back

I just did my taxes and even though everyone does and I'm legally required to I still want to brag like people who do marathons

I’m more nervous about getting a haircut than going to the dentist bc the dentist doesn’t have the power to crush my self-esteem for weeks