My husband loves to haggle. If a doctor gave me six months to live, he'd try to get it down to five.

you know who you are

Toilet paper. Over or Under

I’m so low maintenance we don’t have to meet or talk or whatever

All these things I have done and not one of them is you.

Music will sit with you in the darkness.

Smoking weed & digging thru crates of old records is all the fuckin therapy i need

Keep talkin shit.. I hope my dick gets stuck in ya throat again

Cream pies? In this economy?

Since I don’t know my dad and have no connection with that side, I signed up for one of those ancestry sites. I got a message from a guy who just might be my brother. I read his message and almost cried … I can’t believe I share blood with a person with such terrible grammar.

To the women who look good in flannels and messy buns: How dare you

If by “rub one out” you mean rip all my pants from thigh friction, than yes,“I rub one out” constantly.

last time we ordered mexican food they delivered three entrees, and I looked at my wife while pointing quizzically at the third box, and she made eye contact and said, "emergency chimichanga"

THE MORE I GET TO KNOW PEOPLE, THE MORE I REALIZE WHY NOAH ONLY LET ANIMALS ON THE BOAT.

Happy birthday!! Merry Christmas 🎁🎄 Stix Zadinia

My love ♥️

What in tarnation? I am morbidly curious.