Have you ever been oblivious to someone flirting with you?

I note that tomorrow is yet another Monday in January, and I am here to complain that five Mondays in January is simply TOO MANY MONDAYS.

Eddie Spencer-Small This is an outrageous theory. Nobody was introduced to Joni Mitchell via Travelogue. Literally not one person bought Travelogue who didn't know who Joni Mitchell was, I'll bet you £5

Me: ugh I'm getting too old for Monday night mosh pits Someone literally half my age: I know what you mean ....babe, no, no you don't. But just you wait.

Dating profile level: Dreamgirl

Hello promoters! Please book me for your gigs! Thank you! (I have some really good jokes and skits and that.)

Incredible that "Why should [profession] go on strike? My job sucks and pays like shit but I never complain!" is a wildly popular and respected opinion in this country

Meh. Demons are better than the loneliness of no one.

When your night gets off to a weird start but then the most beautiful person that even lived is out.....never gonna pull anyone so hot that I get high-fived by multiple people coz of it tbh

Alexa, how do you politely ask the most beautiful person in the world if they've broken up with their dickhead boyfriend yet

I *hate* pictures of me, but tbf I don't even know how to work filters, so at least the pictures of me I hate actually look me irl

Cis-het male: that's a lot of drinks you're buying, did you lose a bet?! Me:....nah mate, I inadvertently earn a lot of money, my friends don't, and I don't believe in capitalism, so drinks for people I like, ALWAYS Literally fuck (not literally) men in lumberjack shirts

"you're worth paying for trains" is close to replacing the best compliment I ever got in my life

You ever get home from a night out, look at yourself in th mirror and wonder how in the absolute fuck you managed to pull more than one person. Like, I actually even spoke to one of them?! 🤣

It's increasingly difficult not to respond to anyone who has had/is planning to have a child in this century with "why are you a sadistic narcissist". Seriously though, why are you bringing something into the world that will only ever know suffering unless you are 100% cunt

I swear to god I've given more consideration to getting a dog in the past few days than most people give to having a human child

Still isn't fixed. But I enjoy chatting to each emergency engineer who parks outside my house who insists this time will be the one where someone will actually come and fix it. (Tbh let the gas leak forever rather than my front garden being ripped to shreds to fix it)

Someone who I love a lot just posted a story with "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor" unironically and i am legitimately reconsidering our friendship

I've been calling out to God but she's not saying a lot

Barely remember leaving the house last night, let alone getting home again, in case anyone was wondering if I'd yet reached an age where I don't make stupid decisions.