Can't believe there's a 3rd "How To Train Your Dragon" movie - this better be the one that actually shows me how to train my f*cking dragon.

driving in Chicago is like: 🌭 | || | __________ | 🚘 || | | URLACHER | 🏢 | || | | HAS HAIR | | || | |——————|

This morning my son saw that I was tired so he walked over to me, patted my shoulder and shushed. My hart instantly melted. Less than an hour later he hit me in the dick with a Lincoln Log. Life is a wild ride. #dadlife

I eat a noosa yoghurt and a Nature Valley bar for lunch at work nearly everyday and I honestly don’t know if I’m being healthy or very slowly killing myself.

Shout out to Spotify for the free Hulu hook up! Home sick today and putting it to good use.

I hate to get political on here, but if they're the Super Mario Bros, then isn't Mario their last name? So it's Mario Mario and Luigi Mario? Anyway, end farm subsidies.

Just a few miles from my house. Scary stuff. Stay safe everyone

Why does no one talk about how good the Tom Green Show was?

Whatchu know about bookin a fest bbbboooooooyyyeeeeee

Today I got my dad drunk and payed him $20 to eat an entire lemon. Rind and peel included. #fathersday rules!

Chicago. Get your tickets for the Fantasy Meets Reality show on Sunday. Tickets are going faster than Tarik Cohen on a breakaway. beatkitchen.com/event/tw-event…

Done did it again...

Whenever anyone asks me who my favorite musician is, I always answer T-Pain because it's the funniest answer I can give and have it taken seriously. The dude has 100 songs and every single one of them is about booty, the club or both.

Everyone in Chicago: hopefully Mitch Trubisky can improve his accuracy... Mitch Trubisky: **first throw is to wide open receiver and is wildly inaccurate** 🤦🤦🤦 #chicagobears #Bears100

Wow, the #Phoenix Phoenix Suns are fun to watch! #nba #phoenixsuns

a realistic solution for the environment? DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER DON'T EAT ANIMAL PRODUCTS UNTIL DINNER

Recently my wife got mad at me because I bought 20 pounds of #oatmeal from #Costco. She said that we will "never eat that much oatmeal. I took this as a challenge. A challenge that I now, after eating several bowls of oatmeal, am certain I will loose.

Day I lost count of quarantine: I'm tweeting again.

This NFL Toy Story game is hilarious. I feel like Disney+ had a meeting and some intern was probably like "maybe we should test it out before jumping straight to an actual NFL game" then the Disney executives just said "nah, f that! Let's do it this week."