Most men over the age of 45 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. Mine? Approximately 93 degrees

"So hey, I was thinking...Could lactose-intolerant women drink their own breast milk?" -- Why I'm not invited to parties very often.

The things you hear in an urgent care waiting room would make you think Twitter came to life.

I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Judging by my eyebrows I'd say I'm pretty far behind on my evil plan for world domination.

I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information

I eat in bed so often now I think I'll replace my comforter with a tablecloth.

Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..

Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management level position at Chili's.

Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

People who don't like chocolate; Stop fucking with my emotions.

Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.