"Any politician can stand up here and say they’re going to murder you. But only I can bring the policies designed in collaboration with community leaders and business minds (God rest their souls) that mean the difference between promise and action." mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-el…

As Caliban said, "You taught me language, and my profit on’t Is I know how to curse."

I’m sorry, please, I just want to see my family again

I always thought the "Deep State" was a clandestine, shadowy power network that worked to thwart duly elected officials, but apparently even the literal President can be a member of the Deep State these days. It's disappointing to see standards being lowered like this.

wherever you hail from, one thing is true: you're hometown could use a big arch. thrilled to share this piece I wrote that's running with McSweeney's -- "We Will Build A Big Arch For Your City" mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-wi…

Would you like to put up posters or flyers in your local schools, workplaces, and public spaces to encourage people to protest tomorrow? Here's a simple design you can print off at home!

Great addition to the list of "bad predictions," from a 1976 S. J. Perelman letter to Paul Theroux.

Beef so good it needs a legal fence to keep out competitors!

Shakespeare was fine for an era that valued ravishingly beautiful language and astonishing insight into the human spirit but we have moved on from all that. Grow up

Get your tickets to Some Fun Lines—tomorrow at CAVEAT. It's going to be a great show!

Shameful. Newborns need a JOB, not a handout.

densely populated, high speed rail, petty disputes over borders, no core city just a spread of minor metros, residents live their lives within 20mi of the village they were born, there is one answer: new jersey

Anecdote re: science in the current era: Had dinner last night with a herpetologist who had her NSF grant terminated (illegally, as far as I can tell). She's studying how pythons eat huge meals 1-2x/yr, during which they greatly increase the size of their heart and other organs.

Research reveals a paradox: the more people understand hitting themselves in the head with a hammer, the more hesitant they may become to embrace it.

How New Jersey politicians talk about the state: “I’m proud to raise my family in a state I love.” How I want New Jersey politicians to talk about the state: “I tremble to represent New Jersey, the cradle of global modernity; indeed, the pivot point of world-history itself.”

Me, talking about farmers and cows:

There's an old saying where i grew up. "Never share our sayings with outsiders or you will be banished"

An important opportunity to share my thoughts on buying a car: libel.substack.com/p/dealers-choi…