What would your pet’s voice sound like if they could talk, because I know my dog is stewie from family guy

Just heard someone call LAX terminal 3 the Tom Brady terminal 😁🤣

When you realize you’re singing along to I am the Stripclub a little too loudly at work

When he says those three magic words … (are you hungry)

“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

“A research team in Hangzhou, China, found that frequent consumption of fried foods, especially fried potatoes, was linked with a 12% higher risk of anxiety and 7% higher risk of depression than in people who didn’t eat fried foods.” STFU nerds.

If you ever want me to purchase literally anything, just tell me @Jaclynhill wears/uses it and I’ll throw you all my money

If I ever go missing and you fuckers don’t lie about my weight, I’ll stay missing

Hey human, I’m just trying to have a conversation with your dog. Don’t make it weird by trying to join in.

Gains 3 lbs, gets targeted weight loss ads 👀

Turns out the 3 lbs was water weight, but Facebook still thinks I have a double chin

Who’s your favorite LA billboard attorney and why is it Jacob?

I get WAYYYY too excited for wordle each day. Like abnormally so. Anyone else?

What’s a Sopranos quote that could also be said in a porno?

1 ticket for 1 ticket for oppenheimer barbie please 💣 please💖

Not my dog trying to break down the fucking door at 3 am and scaring the fuck out of everyone

Very much so.

And being single and child free is concerning why?

Thanks for being completely incompetent Carvana - now thanks to you, I got a way better deal at CarMax and in a fraction of the time. 🩷