me after having a big burrito last night: hmmmmm i think i would like to have a big burrito

smegma sommelier

i just absolutely crushed a lunchable and i’m almost 30. and yet, you probably did not do this, regardless of your age. shameful.

me to my body while having to poop right after getting out of the shower: yeah hi sorry but can iiiii uhhh please speak to a manager please

i went to a wedding last night but the only picture i took was after we got back to a friends house we’re staying at:

i love ne-yo but why do his lyrics sound like the audio recording section of 50+ age range hinge accounts

ligma?? more like ligma balls

i wish i could retweet this everyday

trenna just said “pinch one off for jesus” and i said “…what?” to which i was laid recipient to “as in christ?”

i think dressing up as the topeka ks sports center goofy golf dinosaur for halloween would be exactly niche enough for a good costume

if you come over then please do not touch the pile of shoes under my coffee table. those are my special shoes.

i love it when some old guy raises his glass at a party and says something like “to butts, to cuts, and to coconuts” like damn player ok i see you let’s party

[typing an instagram note while fully forgetting that my long-term girlfriend’s grandparents will see it] just got a gold medal at the o-pimp-ics ahaaa

people talking about black friday like i didnt put in a fat temu order in early october

nobody slaps the tv remote anymore. we used to be a proper country smh

wild how this website used be “who up polishing the obelisk” but now it’s “who up sportsbetting on their link attached, also here’s what you shouldnt order from starbucks”

i’m trying to go clappuccino on on that uhhhh. the um. fuck. ain’t nothin flat about that white—no never mind. you know what, just never mind.