I don’t need Ozempic. My bank account already suppresses my appetite.

Strip clubs in Minnesota should be called leering centers.

I’m an avid user of the word “avid”

I once dated a podiatrist. She never let me put my foot down.

Wishing everyone a happy February 30th.

My wife wears Prada.

Investment bankers don’t eat filets. They prefer equity steaks.

THE BAND AMERICA: “I’m riding through the desert on a horse with no name.” ENGLISH TEACHER: Is that horse with no name or “Horse With No Name”?

I don’t have any original thoughts. I bet a lot of people think that.

I don’t divide people. I unite them — against me.

I keep having bad dreams about King Arthur. Knight terrors.

The chances of me losing weight? Slim.

I finally watched Goodfellas. Spoiler Alert: they’re not good fellas.

My wife must’ve signed an NDA. A Non-Stop Disclosure Agreement.

JASON MRAZ: I’m Yours ME: Up yours

I want to take billiards lessons. But I’m worried the instructor will hustle me.

Who gave Dire Straits the right to declare themselves sultans? The same person who let Queen call themselves the champions.

My dentist always asks what medications I’m taking. I’m pretty sure he’s just being nosey.

One of the side effects of Ozempic is insisting there are no side effects.

I’m not saying I’m a genius, but my doctor told me my cortex is cerebral.