I may be drinking again but thanks to #soberoctober last year I’ve now gone over three months without a single puff of a cigarette or vape

My shiny teeth and me 🎶

#lashes

When I’m drunk take away my phone. Not Bc I’ll text an ex. Not Bc I’ll post something embarrassing. BC ALL OF MY CC’s ARE CONNECTED TO EVERY SHOPPING APP I HAVE I CAN GO SHOPPING WITH BASICALLY ZERO EFFORT #stopme

I wish I had the money to fill a bathtub with lotion so I could bathe in some relief.

PSA: don’t recycle plastic bags

Kid sitting next to me at the bar said how when we worked together he was afraid of me 😂 lmao bro I’m a lover not a fighter #soweak #couldntfightacaterpillar

All the talk of bling. All the restock. I just want the black pig backpack Shane Dawson #pleasehelp #needinmylife

I love my man, but I don’t ever love him as much as I do seeing him love my dog. I mean holy shit. My dog, who doesn’t care about any of you, loves him. So cute.

Love this. My buddy is nervous because his long-distance girlfriend asked him to send her a dick pic. This is what your crew is for.

actually running over curbs is good for your car

My new special BALL HOG drops March 24th on Netflix Is A Joke

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Today I did all our laundry including our bedding. Both dogs have been bathed, teeth brushed, ears cleaned, nails clipped, fur brushed. House cleaned. And yet all I can smell is wet dog. Four steps forward, five steps back.

Every time I fast I crave peanut butter the most

A whole day of cleaning followed by pierogi’s and vodka by 3pm 😂👍🏻

Climbed a mountain and turned around

Who needs help today?? I’m going to pick 3 random people who retweet this and send them $3,000 ♥️ Love you guys

Don't do the bare minimum and expect greatness. Get up every day and go for the kill. If you want to eat, you have to hunt 🐺❤️

It’s meal prep day again and I’m actually excited