i save a lot of time getting to my friends’ houses by simply tunneling underground the entire way there and forcefully emerging out of their front lawn like a giant groundhog

awkward silences on dates are not an issue for me. you can easily fill them with realistic impressions of braying mules

“you’re so quiet” i’m literally choking to death on a Fig Newton

I do not need shoes, but this does not mean I do not think about them. I am a bear.

“are you okay?” no, i picked up one quart of strawberries at the grocery store but ended up putting it down and buying a different one and the first one probably got all excited when i picked him but is now sitting there wondering what he did wrong

Anyone know any good water recipes?

i personally think the best accessory to complete a chic date-night look is an entire raspberry bush attached to your head whose thorns are thoroughly entangled in your hair and you can’t get it out in time oh god somebody please help

“I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand” that’s fucking crazy dude. Did you get a picture. Did you call the news. Why am I the first person you’re telling about this

our Spotify wrapped just dropped

for the small price of 3-4 drinks i will act so so weird to you!!

no more fun facts. i want to hear a scary, unsettling fact about you

they should invent an app that sends you an alert every time you start being weird and offputting

my partner: yes! of course i’ll marry you! i thought you’d never ask!

me, who got down on the ground to try and scrape a dried-up, encrusted worm off the sidewalk to give it a proper burial: 👁👄👁

If I were a human bone trying to escape the body, I'd probably wait until the person was eating a chicken wing, then try to slip out through the mouth. Let them think I'm just part of the wing they ate. By the time they figure it out, I'm long gone

i really hate awkward silences on first dates, which is why i always make sure to trip over a fallen tree branch and suffer a closed-head injury just so we have something to talk about

you can literally never shut up and still be mysterious just don't make any sense when you talk

there always has to be that one family member that talks about how the plural of moose should be “meese” at every family gathering, and i’m proud to have filled that role

This lake vehemently stands with women having the right to choose.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yeah that was when i was undercover as my ex-wife’s kindly british nanny so i could secretly spend time with my kids