1) Bring a few bolts/screws on roller coaster 2) Ride begins, tap person in front of you 3) "Dude, these just fell out of your seat"

I see your 'well holy shit' and raise you a 'well fuck me'.

Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.

Twitter: because my RL friends unfollowed me.

Already sick of these 420 jokes, to be blunt.

I have sex the same way I play video games, I just press all the buttons and hope like shit it's a special move or something.

I don't trust people who eat the best thing first.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Yeah but... *how* married are you?

prolapsed intentions

You don't drink? You mean just like, in the morning, right?

Bought a new mascara and opened it to find this. No picture has ever summed up my life so accurately.

Nothing says "I run shit" like a grown man with a whistle.

I should win an Academy award for best supporting actress in my role as "girl who pretends to give a shit about your relationship."

I slammed my vagina into the corner of a table today and immediately yelled "oh God, my skiddelyboop!" because I'm all whimsical and shit.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.