I put cameras in my upstairs bedroom because I’ve been hearing things. If I capture the next Paranormal Activity I better get rich off these ghosts

I need Apple to add dog bathing as an exercise option on my watch. Exhibits A and B:

My 120 pound behemoth vs 7 pounds of fluff 🥹

Me to the neighbors still shooting off fireworks

Hip surgery four years ago today and I still see this in my future

You’re telling me this little gremlin is tearing up my backyard and somehow my dogs haven’t captured it? Don’t buy a house y’all, it’s a trap

This cannot be the adulthood we looked forward to growing up

WELL WHO YELLS AT PEOPLE

Can we ban political ads next year?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be under my heated blanket for the next six months

you guys are excelling in your careers, finding life partners, staying healthy, and saving money?

New job: ✅coffee bar ✅dog friendly ✅plays punk and Emo music all day

Voting early should come with some kind of code you can enter into all the streaming services that removes all political ads through the election. Guaranteed record turnout.

What I’ve learned by getting a third dog: - probably, just don’t (She fits in perfectly but it’s insanity)

Hey Cincinnati Reds Louisville Bats Florence Y’alls, who wants to sponsor beer bats for this chick’s bachelorette party?!

They didn’t call me #BeerBatBecky for a whole summer for nothing! Cincinnati Reds Florence Y’alls Louisville Bats

Day two of asking for beer bats for Becca! Cincinnati Reds Louisville Bats Florence Y’alls 🍻 let’s make her bachelorette go down in history

Me seeing the noodle bar at my hotel this morning for breakfast