Looking forward to rooting for the OKniCks against the Pacers. #NBAFinals

9. The current amount of Fast & Furious movies Tyrese is in.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the exes you never had to go back and forth with publicly like Elon and Trump. Thank you ladies! Also, my bad.

Trump didn’t need to fly to an island to allegedly assault women. He lived on one. It’s called Manhattan.

White guys beating white women to the punch of being a victim of ICE.

Emailing back and forth with my doctor’s office about an unpaid bill that should’ve been covered. They hit me with an “upon review” and I hit them back with an “upon further review.” Correspondence pettiness is like coke for your 40s.

If I was on the red carpet interviewing celebrities, my last question would be “May I get $100?” just to see who generous like that…

I see the emoji 🧵 and I know I’m in for a wild ride with an ending I won’t see coming! (Someone asking me to follow them)

My entire feed is the same shit over and over again. Something Sydney Sweeney wore. Spiders in Australia. The one chef whose dad opened the jar for her. This is a looping hell of my own creation.

SHOCKING confessions from a White Collar Crime Attorney. He kept spilling it…

Don’t send me back to moms… #NYC

It would be funny if Dean Cain joined ICE and then they deported him because well he ain’t all that American either:

Bought 3 tickets for the Powerball. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna win it. Pretty excited to “act” poor for a change.

The notifications on Twitter be like: Hey! We found everything that’ll make you mad. Enjoy.

Confederate Flags can be HELPFUL. Call me an optimist. I see the glass at half mast.

Travis Kelce’s net worth is 70 million. Taylor Swift’s net worth is 1.6 billion. Yes ladies, you’re ALL gonna have to settle.

Reep what you sow… tmz.com/2025/09/05/jon…

Posting words on X is pretty worthless cuz it’s like how am I gonna compete with videos of people getting beat up and car accidents?!

I was asked to perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia but only if I could bring 10 journalists.

The Saudi Riyadh Comedy Festival should have steve rannazzisi because he too also has loose ties to 9/11.