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“We need to talk” Me: I’m good

Can't... learning Janice on the Muppets guitar riffs.

Master the art of being unbothered.

I've risen but I sure as fuck ain't shining today

Why do men use public restrooms if they’re just going to pee on the floor

You should be required to put whether or not you snore in your dating profile.

My hobbies include shredding paper coasters, playing "Where did that ink stain come from", and making sculptures out of the office sticky tac.

L’Oreal: You’re worth it Me: Am I?

if loving Matthew McConaughey is wrong then i’m alright alright alright

How do you say "FUCK OFF" in a SFW way?

Lisa Frank is the Emily Dickinson of dolphin art, imo.

A lobotomy is starting to sound pretty relaxing.

If it’s not an Ozzy and Sharon kind of love, I don’t want it

Can I sit next to you on the couch and look at you like this?