Spielberg was only 26 when he made Jaws. Michael Jackson was only 24 when he recorded Thriller. SE Hinton was only 19 when The Outsiders was published. It’s too late. You need to give up

Shazam but for someone’s face at a party whose name you should know

sometimes you see a person running in such a way that you know they're doing this instead of going to therapy

a slander page after the acknowledgements page for the people who have wronged me

Some of you never had to be in an original play written by your drama teacher and it shows

took me exactly 53 trips around the sun to realize that right now I’m as young as I’ll ever be, and as old as I’ve ever been, here in the honeyhole between already and not yet. Amen.

every month is no nut november when you have a life-threatening allergy

we say bless you for sneezing and not coughing because sneezing is gods fault and coughing is yours

The New York Times is so obsessed with “one-pot pasta,” they’re like if I even fucking SEE a second pot I am calling the police, which are good by the way.

re-branding “not knowing how to drive” into “climate activism”

on my Rudolph shit today (red nose, widely regarded as inadequate by my peers)

At this point I wonder if I’m the one who dies in the season finale of The White Lotus.

Are you serious

(pulling out a gun) Put your hands where I can hold them