I finally got around to writing my book about my fixation with clocks. …It’s about fucking time.

Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password… It ain’t stroganoff

The removal of the headphone jack on most phones is one of the reasons why there's an increase of people blasting their phone speakers in public.

I have got a really solid dad joke for y'all. A solid one. 1

You can't juggle in space

With AI, Pedos with charges of photo possession will be much harder to convict

Doing something out of a garage is considered lowly, but actually having a garage is considered relatively affluent

Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks

One day, someone will request bereavement leave to attend your funeral.

What’s the capital of Uranus? U

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting. I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said “yes”.

Daughter: I’m tired… Me: at least you’re not a bicycle, then you’ll be two-tired. Daughter: …..

Murderers stab you to death, Surgeons stab you to life.

We teach kids not to cus knowing full well they’re going to start cussing eventually anyway… there really isn’t a point

You and multiple strangers have eaten the exact same animal. You all just took different parts of it.

You and many other people share the same bank pin combination.

Why do we call him iron-man? Calling him Fe-male would probably be pretty awkward.

Backwards hats help prevent a lot of neck sunburns.

Just invited Death to a pillow fight. He gave me the opportunity to concede otherwise I'd face… …the reaper cushions.

Instead of watching rich families be rich on reality TV, I’d much rather see the antics of a poor family that is given multi- generational amounts of wealth.