As someone who works a 4-day corporate work week. Can I just say. It does slap.

i wonder how many times i can irish goodbye on my friends when we're out drunk before they get mad enough to actually do something about it

If living on my own has taught me anything it’s that meals are a social construct. Food is food whenever and wherever you eat it.

way 2 sexy by drake is just WAP but for men

I have decided that I was never toxic. Everyone else’s toxicity simply drove me insane. That was not me. I don’t know her.

Nobody Taurus women:

being drunk is so crazy bc it’s like… you mean i can be dumber than i already am??

I forgive myself for viewing someone’s lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince them of my worth.

Ur in his dms I’m whizzing through the air in a million tiny pieces. Wonka vision baby

I was writing alone at a bar and this guy comes up to me, stops at a respectful distance, and says, "just wanted to check on a scale of 1-10 how open you are to talking to a drunk stranger? I'm waiting for friends, but I can totally just leave you alone." A+, immaculate vibes

How the Grinch got everything in the divorce

Meg is better than me. I would’ve seen those first few millions and NEVER logged onto Blackboard again.

this is the one that’s been frying rice

There is nothing wrong with paying a woman’s bills we gotta stop this Bullshit

Girls want a taller guy so they can wear heels, it was never about y’all

why would u ever want to be friends with benefits with a man? like what benefits are u getting aside from a life lesson

"we dont deserve dogs" of course we deserve dogs shit head. before we bred the evil out of them they were basically giant rats