the reason i love reading my daily horoscope is because it’s like… the news, but just about myself.

new psychiatrist asked me if i had self harm tendencies and i was like “well i eat a lot of ice cream even though im lactose intolerant” and she was like “i meant cutting or burning.” this lady all business fr…

#NewProfilePic

staring at my phone while i walk through a busy intersection and my bf’s like “can you look up i feel like im your crossing guard”

kid sitting behind me on the plane kicking my chair… bout to let him know im not one of those “cool” adults. i’ll choke you out son. i’ll choke you out…

i love the holidays bc you get to see what kind of eating disorders your middle aged uncles have

im bicoastal (i dread running into people in LA and new york)

getting coal in my stocking like “this is actually a rare and valuable energy commodity and come apocalypse times you’ll all wish you were as naughty as me”

it’s not easy being the chillest girl in the world… which is why i am not

once i find a pair of shoes so cool they give me a new personality and vibe… it’s over for you hoes

dating someone from the midwest is all fun and games till you find yourself googling “is there a brandy melville in missouri”

been waiting for an hour to deplane and suddenly im looking at my bf like… if he really loved me he would become a billionaire so we could fly private

i love red robin culture… (free refills on fries)

i know it seems like im an hour late but i was planning to be 20 minutes late so im actually only forty minutes late you know what i mean

just got caught by one of those red light cameras and my first thought was “ooh i bet I’ll look cute in that”

the word “heirloom” … invented by rich white hoarders as a way to force their kids to keep all their junk

guys are always like “why are you taking so long in the bathroom” and it’s like … im working my ass off over here just trying to be a 7 for you

sorry im late it’s bc im from a nice normal town where parking doesn’t typically take two hours