Can’t-Getting high off puffer fish with dolphins. Dude…

Be kind and don't leave us hanging, vote for the rectangular food bar you are most likely to consume when you are running or just running to a meeting.

The restaurant labeled my 7yo’s take out chicken fingers as … “kids finger” and now she’s running around the house maniacally laughing and saying “deeeelicious kids fingers mmmm” as she eats them oh no

I tell myself I’m carb loading for the imaginary marathon I’m signed up for.

drunk god: tuxedo chickens

angel: those are penguins

I can't find a gif for 'grape.'
Y'all perverts broke that gif search.

went to fuglenes and they said you were the mayor

Do pickles belong on pizza? 🤨

you can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood

The first duck to ever go shopping: Just put it on my ta…no…hang on…

Boobs are THE TITS!!

Sometimes I think dad only lets me sit on his lap when I’m gassy

my grandpa once paid a guy named zapruder to film him jacking off on a knoll and that fucking idiot recorded some other bullshit

I like to think I’m chaotic adorable.

A cruise ship without passengers is still a crews ship send tweet

Even I wouldn’t shoot a dog, and I’m a real piece of shit

No, this is my formal double denim. We're at a wedding, Sharon.

What if, for one day, you did not take everything so goddam seriously and literally and let yourself see humor? It’s ok. Your ego will survive