A mom’s favorite Christmas song: 🎶 For we need a little caffeine Right this very minute, Kids stalking the window, Carols at the spinet. 🎶

5yo: *in 10th place on Mario Kart* Sweet! I just got 10 points!

Me: What will you do when the baby cries? 3yo: Uh I’ll drop him? Me: 😳 No

The only gaslighting I support is parents turning on the fake New Years countdowns for kids that Netflix so kindly provides

Texas is fun because in the span of 12 hours you get to turn on both your A/C and your heater

*whenever I call anyone right now* Then: ARE YOU IN LABOR? Me: 😐 uh nope just calling to check in

5yo: Will you draw a barn for me? Me: *draws barn* 5yo: That’s wrong. It doesn’t look like a barn Me: There are no mistakes in art 5yo: Yes, there is. *points to my barn*

5yo: I’m so excited to go back to school tomorrow! I’m going to hug EVERYONE! Me: 🥴 Yeah uh actually let’s refrain from doing that, please

Hit my New Year’s resolution early this year and lost 7 pounds 3 ounces yesterday💙

5yo: *sniffing baby’s head* But why does he smell soooo good? He doesn’t even take baths

3yo: My tummy is rowling for donuts Me: It’s growling? Do you want a granola bar? 3yo: No. It only rowls for donuts

I love how people make weather a competition. I’ll be like “it’s cold” and someone will be like “COLD? I EAT DRY ICE FOR BREAKFAST. CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY COLD”

Real parenting milestones: - the first blowout diaper - first time your kid says I hate you - first time your kid throws up - when your kid wipes themselves - when your kid buckles themselves in - when they can get their own snacks

My husband thinks the “readers digest version” means that I want the super in depth version with every single detail and I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s quite the opposite

Me: *sees the price of groceries* Also me: *calls my mother in law to ask if we can spend spring break at her house*

Nothing like a beautiful, relaxing yoga class with the blaring sound of your toddler playing Mario on the Nintendo switch in the background.

My toxic trait is picking out all the good items in ice cream for myself and then getting my kids hyped for “vanilla” ice cream.

Me: please don’t climb up pantry shelves to get cookies 5yo: I didn’t climb, I used a chair Me: 5yo: Me: okay well STILL

Pacifier? No. Random plastic turtle leg? Yes.

When is Black Friday hitting Redfin