The CDC now recommends sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

i understand the sister in 27 dresses is fictional but that does not change that she is evil and going to hell

What just happened to me, mosquitologically, can never happen again

Thank you for trying to not let me merge. I had to work for it. And It feels so good to be in this lane now

Ngl going that little 5 - 10 over the speed limit in the left lane isn’t enough bro u need to want to be here

You can be under 25 just don’t do it around me

No one loves billionaires more than a white guy who makes $45k a year

now that i drive regularly, i've become so fascinated by just how terrible and dangerous the median American driver is. like, all of the rules you have to learn to get licensed seem to slowly get replaced with "take the most selfish and impatient action at any given time"

Hell yeah you need a lil fat in your ground beef

my mom would beat your mom at candy crush

No one: Jalen Carter on the first play of the game:

Worst part of the Jalen Carter spit situation is it resuscitated hawk tuah memes from unfunny people

I won’t be lectured on Tylenol from the people that drink raw milk.

i only watch live awards shows bc im chasing the high of the slap

God's plan for me does not involve Linkedin at all

whenever someone says “per chatgpt” or “chatgpt says” i look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because please stop playing with me.

“could possibly be” is killing me when the only other explanation is that he contributed from the other side

I'm only photogenic when I'm taking my own pictures, idk what everybody else be doing. tryna sabotage me

you've heard of Elf on the Shelf but have you heard of using your fcking blinker