Are you even living your best life if you don’t have a bunch of junk on top of your dryer that you have to move every time you want to use it

Is it sugar mama or mommy? I really need to make sure I close this deal.

You don't want love; you want a love experience

Forget parallel parking, maybe we should be teaching people to drive in adverse weather conditions

Sometimes we need someone to talk to, others it may just be needing someone to listen. Either way no one should be afraid to reach out, let’s try to be there for each other when it’s needed. #BellLetsTalk

Ugh, my ass is getting big. *7, walking by* Getting big?!? Dad it’s been big.

I would hate to see what the floor would look like if my kid wasn’t trying to eat over his plate

I would have more success in stopping the sun from rising tomorrow than stopping myself from thinking about her.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Don't wait till your death bed to let them know how you feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Twitter’s new owner, waving as folks are leaving: “Y’all come back now, y’hear?”

Trader Joe’s has two-buck Chuck. Now the Twitter has eight buck Musk. Neither one is top shelf stuff.

If he's attracted to you even on granny panty day, he's a keeper.

I was tempted to make up a joke about Meat Loaf, but I won't do that.

Set my clocks ahead by accident last night and ripped a hole in space

I retweeted someone and guess what? It didn't hurt. Not even a little bit.

10k followers!! Wow, thanks to everyone who watches, laughs, likes and retweets my silliness. You all are freaking hilarious yourself! Now let’s go add 10k more to the Pat army. Together we will Make America Funny Again. #PatSaidThat

If she says she is boring. Don't believe her

I'm trying to be more inclusive. So fuck you too.